Don’t Let Your Kids Read

Not okay.

Not okay.

Reading is extremely dangerous.

Many parents get it into their heads that they ought to read to their children until the poor things can read on their own.  Then they go so far as to encourage them to keep reading.  This is an extremely hazardous practice.  If you are guilty of instilling the love of reading in a child, I shall share with you unequivocal proof that you have done an unforgivable deed.

Let’s take a look at what happened to me.

My parents forced me to endure hours upon hours of stories.  Sometimes they didn’t have the time to read to me themselves, so they enlisted relatives.  I was inundated with audio cassettes of J.R.R Tolkien’s books to the point that I picked up a British accent.  People thought I was adopted.

Worse yet, I started to dictate my own stories.  I made my mother set her pen to such literary masterpieces as “Sauron the Moron: The Fastest Nazgul in Mordor.”  I used words too big for me and spoke in full sentences before I was two.

By the time elementary school rolled around, I was a freak.  I made all my friends act out stories with me, and I got horribly cranky when anyone interrupted my reading.  I devoured books like chocolate and I had imaginary friends with full, fleshed-out characterization.  One time, a Sunday School teacher approached my parents with concern because I had asked her to save a seat for a ringwraith.

As you can see, I was headed for trouble.  Because of my parents’ actions, I now have an English degree that enables my addiction.  I just can’t stop.  I read and write like my life depends on it…and maybe it does.

Parents, guardians, hear my plea.  Don’t let your kids read.  Don’t teach them how to write.  You’ll end up with a monster full of bizarre creativity and undesirable communication skills.  You’ll open them up to other viewpoints and teach them to analyze, infer, and think in abstracts.  Worse yet, you’ll enable them to think critically.

For the love of humanity, don’t let them read.

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